This isn t EDS related but I need support and I can t share this with too many...

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  • Please please please do not let someone else choices dictate your life. If you don't want to be with him then baby girl go. He sounds like he is already holding this over your head and will continue to do so his whole life. Your actions do not determine what he does with his life, it is his choice to stop or start using. And if he doesn't want to get clean for himself he won't stay clean after leaving. I wasted 5 years with a narcissist and only realized that after I took my son and left bc I found out he was using meth. He still doesn't admit to it and claimed it was a friend's he accidentally picked up..... found 4 different bags....and his behavior matched that of a meth user as well as alot of other signs. Please protect yourself and your sanity. We have enough shit to deal with bc of our eds, you need someone who makes life better not worae.

  • Won't stay clean after leaving rehab not you leaving. Sorry that was worded wrong

  • What a tough situation. I can relate to having an alcoholic boyfriend. You are not responsible for his sobriety. If you want to break up with him, do it sooner rather than later. There are consequences to using, and sometimes that is that your significant other doesn't want to be part of the rollercoaster! I'm sure his family wants you to stay with him! Just by reading how torn you are about breaking up with him and how much you are considering his feelings shows how kind you are. Now be kind to yourself and walk away from the stress!

  • I'm with a recovering addict as well I'd you'd like you may message me I went through a similar situation when he tried getting off soboxone but ended up clean. My body suffered threw me off one week and I'm still trying to get back but feel free to message me privately if you'd like to talk.

  • Hugs

  • I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. My ex husband had issues. It was part of the reason I left. If you ever want to chat pm me.

  • He has to go and get clean for himself. Then he needs to clear his phone contacts and such, and get active in groups like NA, get a sponsor, therapist, etc. Addiction is not a deal breaker we can actually relate to many things they wouldn't expect but in different ways and for different reasons. Honestly, if he respects you he shouldn't expect you to stay after using bahind your back for years. Also, consider checking out online and webinar naranon meetings. The deal with my dude and I is that if he uses, I'm gone and so is he cause he would be too ashamed and wouldn't want me to deal with that either. It's a matter of respect for yourself, your relationship and each other. He needs to recover and that's not gonna happen instantly. Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself while he does his rehab - know he's safe and don't worry there's no point. He's not using and you can't control his decisions or future. Just know what you need. Don't forget that. If you decide to work things out make sure you set boundaries, rules and have a plan for what should happen if he should decide to relapse. If he respects it and understands where you're coming from, that's the best you hope for. Literally, one day at a time...goes for us too. *hugs* go get a massage mama...I know you need one ;-)

  • you're so right, I don't have time to deal with his shit and I don't want to have to baby him to try to get him to stay clean. I had a feeling something was up, but I missed a lot of the signs and ignored others because who wants to accept that they're with someone who is using. Part of the reason this is so hard is because he's been so supportive of my EDS, but that's not a reason to stay and the stress of this will just make my EDS worse

  • thank you

  • He had issues about ten years ago, but he's been on prescribed sub. I would see him take it, so I figured that there's no way he's using and I'm just being paranoid. We talked about his past a lot and agreed to be open and honest. I felt like he could empathize with me about my EDS better because of his issues in the past. Now I feel like a dumbass

  • Im a psychotherapist my advice is this - attend tonight, to formally 'discharge' your duty of care, so you wont feel guilt. He will never change for you. If hes not doing it for himself, hell not do it. You are allowed to leave. So go meeting, tell counsellor all you say here. Then leave, you cannot fix this. x

  • HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Blaming them on you is wrong and he and his family shouldn't be guilting you. You're not married. They should stand behind him and if you decide that you need to leave, they're his family and they will have to step up and be his support system. EDS is hard enough on us as it is- you don't need the stress of a recovering addict that you don't want to be with anymore.

  • Go to the family meeting and then do what's best for you. I know it's hard in this situation but the added stress could cause your symptoms to be worse. Can you still be there for him as a friend and not a gf if u decide to break up?

  • I'm sure there is someone else out there who would be just as supportive about your EDS. If u want to someone else eventually in time.

  • I'm going to try, but of course I still love him so it's going to be hard. Even though I now know that most of our relationship was a lie, I'm still finding it hard to totally grasp that. I'm trying to get myself mad at him because right now I just feel heartbroken

  • you are so right

  • I've definitely struggled with low self esteem/self worth, and a large part of that has come from having EDS. And last time I broke up with him he was screaming at me that I'll never find someone as supportive as him or who will love me as much. Again, trying to come to terms with the fact that this is not love

  • Aw I'm sorry. /hug. But I sure do understand. The fear will always be there that he would start using again. Might be better to be just a friend if you can so not to be as attached. Just my suggestion. As I said in the other comment I went through it with my dad. I wish I had learned to communicate my feelings to him better and how his drinking affected me instead of push him away.

  • Xxxxxxx Yzzzzzz that is such an indicator of a mentally abusive person. You're right, that's not love.

  • Oh my that sounded manipulative on his part sorry to say. Yes you will eventually. It may take some looking but somewhere out there is someone else who will too.

  • May be impossible to remain friends right now. Its an illness and you clearly care but the most compassionate thing you can do right now is look after yourself and give him the space to take the responsibility for his own illness. If you wish, tell him youll be there when he gets better etc. This doesnt have to be forever.

  • Yeah it can be hard if you love him. Be there as much as you can but don't put too much added stress on yourself bc it'll make EDS worse.

  • My mother leaving my father was the only thing that got him sober. If he's really doing it for you then he will learn to accept that he can't be with you until he's been sober x amount of time and regains your trust after lying to you for so long. Don't let his emotional baggage make your decisions for you.

  • I went to the meeting yesterday and it was similar to what I think nar-anon is like. It definitely opened my eyes. I have an appointment on Friday with him and a family counselor where I will be ending our relationship. I wish I could get it over with now

  • best of luck ❤

  • Toes crossed for you, hang in there

  • They CAN still use on soboxone. It may not get them as high but from my past experiences, apparently it is a thing. Being a drug addict and having EDS can be somewhat similar in some experiences however, as you likely see now we had no concious way to control whether or not we'd have EDS the rest of our lives but they do choose whether to stay clean and utilize the resources he has or to give up and go back. If we give up taking care of ourselves and our bodies we'll suffer. Both addicts and us have that in common however, ours requires little to no action on our part to get worse, they must go find a dealer, syringes, cook it up and then get ready to inject it...they have plenty of time to turn back. I'm glad you talked about it and I understand the paranoia. Don't feel like a dumbass, drug addicts fool us all. That's part of what they do when they use, deceive. I'm sorry for the whole situation in general hopefully you'll find lessons learned and a better path for it. ✌

  • Sounds like you know what's best. Let him be his own problem. Saying he will do it for you is manipulative and largely unsuccessful. His outcome likely won't change whether you're there with him or not if he didn't want to go to rehab for himself and to be a better person for you and him. You can and if you want to, you should leave. Keep your dignity and respect let him deal with his shit.